The Cleary Theory

31 SUPER Effective Ways to Make No Progress, Lose Your Energy and Get Really, Really Fat

February 03, 2015

Fat man holding a measurement tape

Building an athletic, lean and healthy body can take a lot of time and a lot of effort. While maintaining your healthy body is relatively easy, getting there isn’t always as quick as you’d like.

However, in case those things don’t interest you, I’ve got some awesome methods on how to get some truly rapid results. In comparison to getting in shape, getting OUT of shape can be done MUCH quicker. Through my own experience, research and the observations of other successful individuals, I’ve learnt a lot about this.

Here’s 31 fantastic ways to undo all your hard work and to kick off a rolling snowball effect of unhealthiness, lethargy and fatness:

  1. Don't drink too much water. There may be tons of benefits but it fills you up and you may need to go to the bathroom. Eat copious amount of fatty foods. That'll fill you up too and you won't need to move.
  2. Practice program-hopping. Don't commit to anything longer than 10 days. There's always something better you can try and then quit.
  3. Skip your workouts when you don't feel like it. Consistency is overrated. Sore? Skip it. Tired? Skip it. Got a cough? Skip it. Finished work later than you'd like and you want to go out for drinks with friends on a monday night? Skip it.
  4. Don't waste your time warming up and stretching. It's boring, it takes longer than 5 mins. Who cares it can prevent injury and improve performance?
  5. Drink TONS of alcohol. Needing to get drunk to have fun is cool. Being hung over is SURELY a sign you're doing good things to your body.
  6. Skip that source of protein in each meal. Protein isn't as cheap as chips. You might have to cook it too.
  7. Why waste time sleeping? You'll be fine on 5 hours a night. Stay up late playing on your phone. I'm sure you don't need 8 hours like everybody else does.
  8. Save time and just order-in for your lunches and dinners. It's quicker and it's tasty. Don't cook your own meals with fresh, local ingredients.
  9. Skip breakfast. I'm not talking try Intermittent Fasting (article to come). Just plan to have breakfast and then simply run out of time and skip it. Be sure to pick up a couple of dougnuts mid-morning to make up for it.
  10. Life is a party right? Celebrate, multiple times per week.
  11. Supplements. Ignore those who talk about how important nutrition is. Relax and just take all those supplements, they'll do the trick. The fact they're called 'supplements' is just a coincidence.
  12. Get really comfortable inside your comfort zone. Don't even consider pushing boundaries. You don't want to find out what you're made of.
  13. Don't moisturise. Waste.of.time.
  14. Exercise less than 3 times per week.
  15. Skip the veg. Vegetables don't taste great and they fill you up. Move past them and just get to the tasty sweet stuff.
  16. Don't get all gung-ho about exercise and nutrition. Try to induce paralysis through analysis. Consume all the conflicting information about what you should do. And then do nothing.
  17. Procrastinate. Always, always, ALWAYS, put off that day when you finally get your crap together and sort out your health, fitness and lifestyle. Just like Nike, Just Do It (Tomorrow).
  18. Hang around toxic people. Those people who are ludicrously insecure about their own lifestyle habits and want to remain delusional and drag you down with them? If you're not already friends with them, find some and spend lots of time with them until you fit in.
  19. Don't hold yourself accountable. Keep your goals to yourself, even from those who genuinely want to help you.
  20. Leave everything to chance. Tracking your progress is a waste of time. Hope, hope, hope is the key to success. Don't take measurements or weigh yourself.
  21. You've got this. Don't ask for help or advice. You know it all, for sure.
  22. Cultivate a seething state of envy of those who achieve success. Then do your best to not ask for help and try to do the opposite of what worked for them.
  23. Enter a trance-like state and get married to very specific nutrition or training style. Never cheat, never deviate. Defend its values to the death. Your way is the only way.
  24. Avoid energy-expending physical activites for fun. You've already been to the gym once this week, why waste more energy?
  25. Try smoking. It gives you a chance to take extra breaks at work. I've heard it's bad for your health, but ALL the cool kids are doing it.
  26. Always take the elevator. Stairs are hard work.
  27. Watch TONS of TV. Don't do much else in your free time.
  28. Just assume that true success is not for you. It's harder for you. Everyone else has it easy. Take lots of pity upon yourself.
  29. Also assume that everyone is happy to hear you complain all the time. Don't bother taking life by the horns and doing anything about it. Your health is not your responsibility. Blame it on your parents, your doctor or North Korea, anything but you.
  30. Be normal. Try to be like everyone else. They must be right.
  31. If you don't know what sarcasm is, look it up.
Wow, that list was longer than expected. Those are my best tips for creating an unhealthy lifestyle. If that's what you're going for, keep it up!

Any questions? Tweet me.

Perhaps share it with some people you care about too.

Cheers


Matt Cleary

Matt Cleary's musings on fitness, startups and tryin' to live the good life. You should follow him on Twitter